The Confluence Chronicle

  • July 21, 2017
  • Posted by Liam DownsTepper

Journalism so yellow you know it’s dehydrated.

We at the Chronicle - as well as the rest of the town of Confluence-on-the-Salmon welcome you to the first ever printing of our local newspaper. We’d like to thank you for trusting us with your time, and gambling on our small but growing community - The Editors

WEEKLY ROUNDUP
Every week in Confluence has it’s fair share of excitement. Here are some of our favorite events and festivals from the last week:

-Third Annual Avocado Put Roast
Nothing brings a blossoming principality together like sitting around a fire, burning compost, and answering life’s big question. Questions like : What’s inside an avocado pit? How does it taste? Does burnt kale taste better than fresh Kale? (In order: Gunk, Okay, Yes)

-Live - Action “Cribs”
An in depth look at all the totally tricked out properties in the area. Highlights include the antler wreath at basecamp and the tin can chandelier at #2 Hillcrest Dr. - Home to one Melanie Skinkis.

-Saturday Night Farmers Market
A delightful tradition, vendors bring thier best locally grown granola bars, GMO free trail mix, and wild caught goldfish. A note to perspective buyers: The current going rate for a heaping cup of trail mix is a stingy cup of goldfish.

TUNE IN TONIGHT TO WATCH
-Extreme Makeover: Creek Edition
That’s no tan! That’s just dirt!
-Chopped:Bear hang
How many ways can contestants prep food with an excess of tortillas and garlic?
- Fear Factor: Snakes
I know bull snakes aren’t dangerous, but there are so. many. snakes. everywhere.

WEATHER
-Last weeks weather: Sun, rain, clouds
-Forecast: Relentless sun. Highs in the “uh-ohs”

DINING OPTIONS
-Sam and Liams Country Kitchen
A budget staple. Come for the Veggie Couscous, stay for the veggie Quinoa!
-The Unwashed Tupperware
A unique blend of flavors, Truly an ever-evolving boutique fusion experience for the palate!

LOCAL RECORDS
-Most feet of brushing in one day: 2050
-Most ticks on one person in one day:12
-Helmets lost downriver:1

MEET THE VILLAGE!
“If you want to read some weird stuff i’ve got you covered. Like, real wierd.” -Dillon, Librarian/Newsie
“I’m afraid if I make a Ouija board it’ll work” - Mel. Landscaper/ Fashion Icon
“No one wants to eat tuna with Same”- Sarah, Fisherman/ Heart throb
“Those eggs taste like eggs!”- Aimee, Mayor/ Barber
“These beans have been through a lot. Fried. Refried. Dehydrated. Rehydrated. These beans are troopers.” - Kyle, Mayor/ Philosopher- Poet

————-
Peace and Trails,
Liam


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